I have been changed
by CharlieTheLessFamous
Summary: Songfic. Jogan. Dalton. "they're both to blame"


**Me again. Yep. More Jogan. Don't own anything much. Lyrics are from For Good. :) Review?**

_I'm limited__  
><em>_Just look at me - I'm limited_

Julian Larson was good at a lot of things. Acting, singing, sports, academics, he excelled at them all. But everybody has something they're not as good at, a limit, and for Julian, that was a major problem.

He found it really hard to open up to people and just tell them everything, well, everything personal at any rate. Mainly because it would end up all over the internet, on the news and in the magazines; and partly because all of his secrets were huge.

Like the fact he was getting death threats.

That he was bi.

That he loved Logan.

_And just look at you__  
><em>_You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda_

Logan, on the other hand, had told them he was gay the day they met, when Derek had been whining about his girlfriend – or girlfriends – as they all sat around waiting for room assignments. Julian had said nothing, because he was already fighting with his feelings towards the blond, and he daren't admit it. Logan wouldn't like him back, there just wasn't a chance, and it would be bad for his image – he was already finding it hard to get parts because of his age. So he made himself promise he wouldn't tell Logan unless Logan gave a sign that he liked him back.

_So now it's up to you__  
><em>_for both of us - now it's up to you..._

It was harder than he thought, because Logan seemed to flirt with everyone except him. Joshua was the first to attract the boy's attention, followed a year later by Blaine, the new kid. By the time Logan was obsessing over Kurt, Julian had just about given up hope. Sure, Logan seemed to go for brunettes, but he also fawned over singers, not actors, and if he liked someone the whole school knew about it, never mind the person in question. So it was up to Logan. Julian had nothing to do with it anymore, especially now he was being pulled away to movies and TV shows. Not that he was complaining.

___I've heard it said__  
><em>_that people come into our lives for a reason__  
><em>_bringing something we must learn_

Logan was Julian's first friend, at least the first which counted. He'd spent plenty of time with other famous offspring at parties and on sets, but they were never friends. So he had a very rose-tinted, warped idea of the world when he arrived at Dalton, and it was the blond Stuart that helped him expand his view, and take in what typical teenagers were really like. His acting got much better as he spent time with his fellow Stuarts, as they were teaching him what normal was like, even if Logan did cause him far too much pain as he did so.

_And we are led__  
><em>_to those who help us most to grow__  
><em>_If we let them__  
><em>_and we help them in return_

They were put in rooms next to each other as sophomores, and became closer than they had been as freshman. They shared more classes so they studied together, and Derek was around less – now that he was on all those sports teams – so Julian found himself acting as Logan's conscience on many occasions. He left whenever the blond was spending too much time with a crush, and came back when he – or they – broke it off. Despite the fact seeing Lo with someone else almost broke his heart; it did get easier to cope as the months passed, as Logan taught Julian what real love was like.

Turbulent and cruel.

___Well, I don't know if I believe that's true__  
><em>_But I know I'm who I am today__  
><em>_Because I knew you...__  
><em>

Before he met them – him – he was a very cold, distant person. He just didn't know how to connect with a character because he'd never had any of those experiences. Within a few months of starting at Dalton, he was an expert in heartbreak, knew just how to comfort someone, could argue and tease perfectly, and had a firm idea of just how love felt, especially when it was unrequited. Never mind that he'd taken lessons in all of that since he was five, he was a much better – if broken – person because he knew Derek Seigerson and Logan Wright.

___Like a comet pulled from orbit__  
><em>_as it passes a sun__  
><em>_like a stream that meets a boulder__  
><em>_halfway through the wood_

Every time Logan found a new person to obsess over, and every time Julian went back to school and found him single and almost friendly, normally back on the medication Julian knew he hated, it felt like he hit a brick wall in his efforts to get over the Warbler. He would always be… coping (not happy, exactly, but getting by) and then he had Logan to himself – or not, as it were – and he was completely shaken all over again. Which is why at the end of junior year he decided to put a stop to it once and for all.

___Who can say if I've been changed for the better?__  
><em>_But because I knew you_

_I have been changed for good__  
><em>

The Julian that went home for the first time in years had changed. Even his (divorced) parents could see that. This Julian had a permanent mask on, hiding his real feelings behind a cool, diva façade. At seventeen and a half, he seemed to have no interest in a proper relationship, just one - off dates and a couple of one – night - stands. His mother took little interest in him, but Travis Armstrong wanted his son to work with him on his next movie, starring as a bisexual musician. Julian accepted, hoping this might help him to tell Logan how he felt.

___It well may be__  
><em>_that we will never meet again__  
><em>_in this lifetime_

It didn't. When he arrived back at Dalton, Logan was head over heels for one of the Hanover sophomores and spent less time with Jules than ever before. A week before shooting began on the movie, he packed everything in his room and left for what he thought would be the last time.

He told Derek in person – the sports captain was similarly shunned by Logan – but he didn't see the Prefect, and even if he had he wouldn't have said anything. He had too much to tell, and he didn't think he'd have the nerve to do it in person.

___So let me say before we part__  
><em>_So much of me__  
><em>_is made from what I learned from you_

He sent a letter from the airport, explaining as best he could.

-Logan,

I'm leaving Dalton for good. There's nothing for me there. I don't need qualifications to be an actor, and I've got more than enough work at the minute. People drop out in this business all the time, so I don't need to worry about that. My Dad suggested it, actually, he wants me in L.A. full time so that I can commit to more movies.

I bet you're angry right now. Saying that I should stay, and stop acting like a diva. The thing is, I left because of you.

Yeah, you. Ever since freshman year, I've left because of you, and yet:

___"You'll be with me__  
><em>_like a handprint on my heart__"_

(That's from Wicked, by the way)

So. What I'm trying to say is that… I guess you were the only thing keeping me at Dalton. You're really quite oblivious, you know. Let's see if you can figure out the pattern. I'll give you a clue: think about when I left, and when I came back. It has to do with you. Doesn't everything in that school? If you can't guess, then I was right to leave. If you do, though, Derek has my new phone number. He promised not to give it to you unless you know what I'm talking – writing – about.

Jules -

___And now whatever way our stories end__  
><em>_I know you have re-written mine__  
><em>_by being my friend...__  
><em>

Julian's performance in the movie earned him awards and praise from everywhere and everyone, but the one message he waited for didn't come. So he decided to step it up a bit. He spoke to Carmen, who agreed to his plan even if she was a bit stunned, and then rang Clark asking if they could talk. He quietly explained that he was bi, that he was in love with someone from school, and that he was going to tell the press. Clark promised to stay with him in case his crazier fans got any ideas, and that he could stay with him if – as Julian silently suspected – Logan's reaction was negative.

TEXT: Knave- watch Cheshire's interview. # Tweedles #

___Like a ship blown from its mooring__  
><em>_by a wind off the sea__  
><em>_like a seed dropped by a sky bird__  
><em>_in a distant wood_

Julian sat backstage, shaking with fear. So far, the public's reactions hadn't been too bad. Sobbing fangirls by the bucket load, sure, but no threats or anything – yet. Clark came to sit with him, offering silent support and lollipops. He pretended not to notice the way the brunette jumped every time his phone buzzed.

Finally, after at least thirty or forty red herrings, Julian let out a frustrated sob and pushed his iPhone into Clark's hands, so that he could read the message.

TEXT (LOGAN W): Jules. Why didn't you say something? Not like I was going to hate you. Is this why you left?

___Who can say if I've been changed for the better?_

_But because I knew you__  
><em>_because I knew you__  
><em>_I have been changed for good__  
><em>

Julian stared at his co-star miserably. "He's never going to notice, is he? I should just give up now."

Clark shook his head. "Call him, or go see him, and tell him, J. You clearly need him, and if he can't see that, maybe he just needs a push?"

"I guess." Julian sighed. "He made me into this jealous, weak diva and he doesn't even know he's doing it. I just…" He trailed off. Clark rolled his eyes.

"J. Seriously, go. If you love him enough to come out to everyone, then he needs to know. The worst that he can say is that he doesn't love you back."

"Yeah, that's not that bad." Julian retorted sarcastically. "I better go book a flight."

Clark pulled a ticket out of his pocket. Julian groaned.

"Am I really that predicatable?"

___And just to clear the air__  
><em>_I ask forgiveness__  
><em>_for the things I've done you blame me for__  
><em>

"Jules, what the hell?" Logan snapped as soon as the actor slipped into his room. Julian swallowed. He'd hoped Logan would be medicated, but no such luck.

"You saw. You should know." He said coldly, sitting down on the end of the bed and hugging his legs.

Logan frowned. "If this has to do with why you left – are you dating CLARK?"

Julian snorted with laughter. "No! No. He's straight!"

"I thought YOU were straight." Logan replied quietly, not meeting Julian's eyes.

The brunette shook his head. "I couldn't tell anyone, I didn't want everyone to know, especially when the person I loved was utterly oblivious."

_But then, I guess we know__  
><em>_there's blame to share__  
><em>_And none of it seems to matter anymore__  
><em>

"Who?" Logan asked. "I mean, is it someone I know?"

"I should hope so." Julian answered, barely resisting the urge to just yell at him. Logan blinked in confusion.

Logan looked blank. "You should- oh. OH."

"Oh." He agreed shakily. Logan rose from where he had been sitting at his desk and moved to Julian's side.

"Why didn't you tell me?" All traces of malice had gone from his voice. Julian bit his lip.

"You had… people. You didn't feel the same, so-"

"No." Logan interrupted.

"No?"

"Well, yes and no. Yes, I had 'people' but only because I needed the distraction from the fact I had a crush on a very famous, very straight friend of mine."

___Like a comet pulled from orbit__  
><em>_As it passes a sun__  
><em>_Like a stream that meets a boulder__  
><em>_Halfway through the wood__  
><em>_Like a ship blown from its mooring__  
><em>_By a wind off the sea__  
><em>_Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood__  
><em>

Julian stared at him. "Wh- what?"

"Jules. I've had a crush on you since freshman year. Why do you THINK I got so mad when you left? I was furious at myself for missing another chance to tell you how I felt!"

"Why… why didn't you?"

"Same as you, really. I never thought you'd like me back."

"Oh. Right."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Logan sighed, and pulled Julian into a tight hug. "I love you, you idiot."

Julian looked up at him, tears sliding down his cheeks. Logan wiped them away with his thumb. "I love you too, Lo."

___Who can say if I've been__  
><em>_changed for the better?__  
><em>_I do believe I have been__  
><em>_changed for the better__  
><em>

It was everywhere within days. Julian Larson, who came out on national television, was dating Logan Wright, the Senator's son. The two were interviewed, photographed, and generally made a fuss of. Julian was forced to return to Dalton by his father, who insisted that he needed to have this chunk of normalcy before he entered the business full time, especially now he was out – school was just the safest place for him to be.

And when Clark visited for Parent's night, he smirked at Derek and mouthed "I told you so!"

___And because I knew you...__  
><em>_Because I knew you...__  
><em>_Because I knew you...__  
><em>_I have been changed for good..._


End file.
